“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay
There has not been a day to go by that I do not feel the hole in my heart that was created the day I learned I was going to miscarry my baby. One of my biggest fears was turned into a reality.
Even after 3 months, there are constant reminders that it just wasn’t our time to become parents. The photos of beautiful pregnant mamas; handfuls of friends’ pregnancy announcements on social media; looking down and not seeing a growing baby bump like I thought I would be still hurt and leave me feeling empty. And, although with each day the hole gets smaller and smaller, I know it will never fully heal.
Understandably so, the first couple days and weeks after the miscarriage were hard – for both me and my husband. I didn’t know what to do, how to feel, or how to express anything. I didn’t know how to tell the few “lucky” people who we let in on our little secret that we were no longer expecting.
The people I reached out to for condolence assured me that there was no set way or timeline for grieving. They told me not to rush anything and to take my time to let my mind, body, and soul heal. And they were absolutely right.
Each day I set aside some time to reflect and let myself grieve, especially if I felt that was what I needed. I took walks, sat in my room meditating, wrote things down in a notebook – anything that would help allow my thoughts and emotions to get out. They didn’t have to make sense, and on some days nothing would even surface, but I allowed myself to be in an environment that would allow me to reflect. I also made sure to take one on one time with my husband – time for us to be together, hold each other, embrace each other in this time of hardship. The last thing I wanted to do was shut him out because I knew he was feeling the pain of this in his own way.
I was upset with the fact that I had to endure such a heartbreaking situation. I asked why it happened to me – why do all these other people get to relish the creation of life and I do not. It just wasn’t fair.
In time, moments of clarity started to present themselves. Although I did not necessarily agree with what happened, I tried to keep an open mind and heart. I switched my mindset from grief to purpose. There was a lesson in this somewhere. I reminded myself on a daily basis that things happen for a reason and for whatever reason this was not the right time for me and for baby.
I realized through this whole experience just how secretive and “hush hush” the topic and discussion of miscarriage is in our society. We don’t often see many women openly discussing their miscarriages or pregnancy complications. I am not sure the reason - if they don’t think that anyone will understand, or if it is a fear of others judging them, or possibly some of both. I know that was how I felt. I was ashamed. I felt as if there was some sort of defect I had. And I didn’t think there was anyone I could talk to that would truly have empathy and know what I was going through. However, as I opened up, little by little, I discovered that I wasn’t the only one who had experienced a miscarriage.
There were people out there who not only went through this same struggle, but moved forward and created other beautiful lives after this challenging experience. Close friends, who I had no idea ever had any struggles before their current kids, opened up to me and offered advice and a shoulder to lean on. And, of all people, I discovered my mother went through the same thing during her first pregnancy – before either of my sisters or I was born.
It has been truly amazing to see what a community there is when I dug a little deeper. To think that I felt all alone at first before realizing the vast array of support that had been there all along.
I cannot help but wonder...what about all of the other hundreds of thousands of women out there going through the same thing, feeling alone, sad, defected?
I am here to tell you that you are not alone and never will be. It is not fair that t women out there go through this trying experience alone. If you are going through a miscarriage and just want someone to talk to or you want to know what to do to heal your body and prepare it for another pregnancy, I am here for you, as I know many other women are here for you. We need to stand together and support each other up during this unfortunate experience.